Harry's Diary
by HR always live on
Summary: A continuation of the Spooks book, Harry's diary, but not necessary to have read that. Set from series 8 and will be canon. HR.
1. Chapter 1

**Just finished reading Harry's Diary for the first time, and thought there would be a good opportunity to write from series 8 onwards. A different style of writing but I hope people enjoy it anyway. This will be much more Ruth prominent than the book was, and I hope to capture Harry accurately. Apologies for any inconsistancies in the plot details, I haven't seen some eps in a while. Also the dates, I've mostly made up but the years will be correct.**

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16th February 2009

I turned to pick up my diary today for the first time in about three years. I vowed not to write anything again, but events during the past forty eight hours seem to have changed my mind somewhat. I need to be able to talk about recent events, and this seems as good a place as any. I don't have to worry about a diary talking to someone when I'm no longer useful.

I was kidnapped by Russian FSB officers the day before yesterday. Of course, they didn't want to interrogate me themselves, instead they sold me on to a renegade Indian nationalist Mani Singh. Instead of the lucrative money the Russian's had been promised, their reward was a bullet in the head. While these events are bad, it is not the reason I'm confiding in my diary once more. Its what happened a few hours later that makes me write in these pages. Mani was after weapons grade uranium that I smuggled out of Iraq and hid in Britain. Or should I say, uranium that Ruth and I both smuggled out of Iraq. Mani went after her, and after only a few hours I was face to face with her. The woman I'd never expected to see again, yet whose presence I could never completely forget was sitting across the room from me, her hands tied in front of her and her eyes never leaving mine.

I don't know whether it was the time apart or the extreme stress of the situation, but she'd never looked more understatedly beautiful. I longed to talk to her somewhere where our every word was not being monitored by the Indians, but I knew the chances were less than zero. Our words were short and to the point, but the undercurrents between us were so powerful that neither of us could deny them. She was now married. I couldn't believe it. Not that she'd met someone else, that I'd half expected in a way. She couldn't live in the past after all, but that she felt committed enough to actually marry another man? I can't lie, that hurt me more than I've been hurt in years. But tied to a chair as I was, my options beyond conversation were somewhat limited. I asked her if she loved George. Ruth failed to answer. She told me she wasn't going to discuss it with me. Before I had time to press the point Mani returned and started threatening her by hurting her family.

Ruth didn't know where the uranium was. When she had been in Cyprus I moved it without her knowledge. With a result that Mani had to try and break me instead. He shot Ruth's husband, all the while she was crying and begging him not to. Begging me to tell him where the uranium was. For a minute I had to consider why I was doing this. Was I refusing to tell Mani what I knew because I was jealous of Ruth's husband? Or was it for the more noble reason of wanting to save thousands from horrific deaths from dirty bombs? I judged it to be the latter rather than the former. After all, if it was one of my friends, one of my officers under threat, I'd still have to do the same thing. But it is not easy to rationalise when you are being threatened with a gun, and the woman you love is crying hysterically because her husbands just been murdered.

And yes, in spite of seeing her again in the most horrific of circumstances, I realised the second I saw her face that I do love her. I loved her when she left, I loved her during her exile, and I love her still. I cannot see that ever changing if I'm being honest. I watched her devastation and pain at a closer range than I would ever wish to, and it was simply luck that her stepson didn't die too. Luck and a little intervention from Malcolm, who has informed me he wishes to retire as a side note.

The look on Ruth's face when we were rescued by Lucas and Ros was one I'll never forget. She was in so much pain that I wanted to do anything to end the sense of loss that I knew she was feeling. I'm horrified by my actions today, even though I know they were right in the end. But Ruth will never forgive me, and to be honest I can't say I blame her.

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**Any thoughts?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for all the enthusiasm! I think each chapter will be an episode, even if its more than one diary entry. So here's 8-2.**

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**20th February 2009**

I met Ruth today. The first time I've seen her since that horrific day when her husband was murdered. It was not a good meeting. Although for myself personally, one good thing did emerge. She never married George. They discussed it, and I wonder whether it was she who stalled, rather than him. It's a question I fear at the moment I would not get an answer to if I was foolish enough to ask, so I hid that away, to think on in the future. Its clear to me that she is still very angry with me. I can't blame her at all, she rebuilt her life after Thames House had destroyed it, and now her new life has been taken from her once more. I'm not surprised she's angry, nor that she's placing her blame onto me. But I am surprised quite how much it hurts me. I haven't seen her in three years, and yet her anger and disappointment hurts more than I thought possible.

She criticised me because I would have let her stepson die. As much as I hate to admit it, she's right. If I'd had to, I would have let Nico die, because in the situation, nothing else could be done. Everything I said to her this morning was wrong. I told her I would try to fix her status in this country, and that I'd try to help her. It can't be easy living in London when her body was theoretically dragged from the Thames a few years ago. I foolishly mentioned work and she looked at me as if I'd gone crazy. I'm not the most tactful of men, and maybe mentioning that wasn't my brightest move at the time, but I wanted to keep the conversation going. I didn't want her to vanish and then I'd never see her again, which I know she is more than capable of if she so chooses.

Eventually after she could think of no more negative things to throw in my direction she turned and left me standing by the Thames. I hated watching her leave but I had nothing else left to say to her. Or nothing that she wanted to hear. Not today at any rate. I stood there until the crowd swallowed her and turned to take a taxi to the Home Office. I had a meeting there, and, apart from my children, Ruth was the only person who I would have considered being late for.

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**21st February 2009**

What a bloody disgrace. A natural gas processing facility has blown up, and for once this wasn't a terrorist attack, it was in fact an accident. We didn't lay down proper storage reserves, and our gas will only last a week at most. Which means we have the unsavoury task of either cozying up to the Russians or the Tazbecks to try and save the economy from complete collapse. Not our country's finest hour, I must say. Plus today my heads not exactly in the game. I keep revisiting things Ruth said to me yesterday, which isn't making my life any easier or less confusing. Not to mention rather painful.

I overheard Ros talking about me with Lucas. I think she's guessed exactly what's bothering me.

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**22nd February 2009.**

I was surprised this afternoon. While trade arguments are still ongoing between the UK and Tazbekstan, I got a call from Ruth. It was a brief call saying she wanted to meet. So I turned up at the bridge we'd met at two days before, ignoring the fact that I was needed desperately at Thames House. I owed her my presence at the very least. I was surprised when Ruth apologised to me. For blaming me. It was an apology I didn't need to hear, but nice all the same to know that her anger towards me had burnt out somewhat. I gave her one in return. I was and am sincerely sorry for all that had happened. I also told her I'd get her freedom sorted whatever it takes. I did not mention Thames House again. I may have ruined many of my personal relationships over the years but I do try to avoid making the same mistakes twice. She had nodded, but said nothing, instead watching the river. After a minute or two she admitted that it would be nice to be free.

I repeated my words when she was removed from Thames House three years ago. My promise may be very, very late, but I will sort it out for her.

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**23rd February 2009**

Jo is going to try and talk Ruth into coming back into the service. I am very torn. On one hand it would be wonderful to have Ruth back at my side throughout the long and horrific days, on the other I'm not sure she even wants to come back. Is it selfish to want her in the world of mystery and intrigue in which I live my day to day life, when she could be living a normal life elsewhere very happily? Yes, it probably is selfish, but that doesn't stop me hoping against hope that Jo will perhaps be successful.

I miss her.


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm still a bit nervous using the first person and getting inside Harry's head, which I don't do often, so many massive thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter. I hope I'm doing his character at least a little bit of justice.**

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**30th March 2009**

Its been more than a month since I've last seen Ruth. But she is coming back to work. I think she needed time to sort out her flat as well as trying to be ready to come back to the grid. I passed to her the money from the sale of her house three years ago. It had been kept safely in the MI5 bank which I am not going to name, even in my private diaries. I've filled out the relevant paperwork to get her back on the grid where she belongs. It really is incredible how much paperwork there is for assumed dead agents, but I'd do worse if I had to. Also I have got her passport ready for her, locked safely in my desk. She starts tomorrow.

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**31st March 2009.**

Another of my officers has died today. Jo Portman. Not what I expected for Ruth's first day. In fact, exactly the opposite of what I wanted today. Jo was a good person, and I feel like we let her down, sending her to her death.

But first things first. Before Ruth had even set foot in the building, I was having the Bendorf group tracked and sent Ros in there undercover. Suddenly they were taken hostage by armed terrorists and we could do nothing but watch. I didn't hear her arrive until she spoke. I left Tariq to talk to her and the look on her face was the Ruth of old times. The smile on her face, and the sparkling in her eyes before conversation turned to more serious matters. Ruth quite accurately pointed out that when everyone found out about this, I was going to get a lot of angry calls from some very powerful people. Ignoring the truth of that I took her through to my office, and I didn't miss the look on her face as she scanned the room. As if she had never expected to be back here. When I handed her her passport I don't think I imagined the fleeting look of sadness on her face. I explained the Bendorf situation to her more fully than anyone else on the grid, but I don't know if she appreciated this vote of confidence or my trust in her. I did at least admit to her that I needed her today, which made her smile at me, before returning to Tariq's desk for the online feed we were getting.

Later, it became clear that Ruth had not lost her touch just because she hadn't been in the UK. She even knew who each member of the Bendorf group was before being informed of it, and her research into Finn Lambert was impeccable too. Absently, I wondered where she was getting her information from, but then I put that aside. She is brilliant after all, I should expect nothing less.

At moments it felt like old times today. Ruth came into my office without knocking to discuss Lambert's backer. I had to hide my smile at her behaviour, because talking about unhelpful FSB officers is not really a topic that should go along with a smiling face. But my words to her, that it was good to have her back, those words were a massive understatement. It was almost like I could fully breathe again. Someone I trusted completely was back in Thames House, and it felt like a weight had been lifted from me. I didn't dare look at her as I told her that it was good to have her here. It could have been construed as personal rather than professional, which it undoubtedly was. Cowardice or fear? I don't know, but I was too busy to look at it in any depth. I had to save billionaires from being murdered live online in front of the whole world.

Soon, very soon, it came down to a choice. Jo went down into the bunker after Ros had reactivated the lift, and Ros was left with a choice. Either shoot Lambert and Jo, who were so close together one bullet would kill them both, or let the bunker be blown up, and everyone along with it. So she took the shot, resulting in Jo's death. I was informed of this heartlessly through the C019 commander who retold it, simply as fact and not the tragedy it was. That a young and good persons life had been cut short. Putting the phone down it was hard to believe that I'd started the day with a sense of hope. Five minutes later and I was still staring into space when Ruth appeared. She asked what happened without any words at all, I know her well enough to know what that look on her face meant. I have no memory of what I said to her. My memory is instead of her blue eyes filling with tears as she realised that her friend would never be coming back. She left my office without a word, and I knew that she was crying for Jo's loss.

Maybe it was a mistake, but I didn't go to comfort her. Instead I allowed her to cry in private. At the time I thought that the right thing to do, but looking back now I'm not so sure. Maybe my comfort would have been welcomed. Maybe I missed a chance to show her that I'm not as heartless as she sometimes thinks I am. I'll never know now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for all the reviews so far. Dipped a little for the last chapter, but I hope this one is recieved well. I'm going to have to take a little liberty with the dates. Putting eight episodes to last a year is a little bit of a challenge, but I hope no one minds.**

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**1st April 2009**

Jo's family have requested a private funeral. I wanted to pay my respects to her, but now I can no longer do that. It is of course their right, but I would hate for Jo to ever think that her sacrifices for this country were forgotten. But of course, I don't believe in the afterlife do I? Her parents are not stupid and don't buy the MI5 line that she died in a gas leak, but we aren't getting angry calls from them either. I still feel like we let her down. I'll visit her grave when Thames House gives me a spare moment after the funeral.

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**2nd April 2009**

I asked to meet Ruth away from the grid today. All I said in passing was "outside, twenty minutes". Of course she knew exactly where I meant. Leaving the grid a few minutes later, I was not all that surprised to see Ruth already sitting on that bench, overlooking the Thames. She didn't turn when she saw me, but she tensed slightly as I sat down next to her. Using the old spook habit though. We weren't close enough to appear in conversation, but there was a little distance between us, to indicate to any passers by that there was no space for anyone else here.

Ruth spent a lot of time talking about Jo, and I wasn't surprised. She was lying heavily on my mind and conscience too. I asked if she was the only reason Ruth returned to Thames House. I asked quickly so I couldn't back out or look at the implications too much. I shouldn't have worried, she didn't answer me. She asked what I meant but I told her she knew exactly what I was asking. She still didn't answer, but I wonder if no answer is better than a reply I don't want to hear. Even if it is cowardly. She asked me why I wanted to meet her. There was something else. I replied with one of the most honest things I've ever said to her. There will always be something else.

That's our bloody problem.

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**10th April 2009**

Oleg Dasharvin, a chief Russian interrogator has escaped from prison and come to the UK illegally. Which is an odd turn of events, and I don't like the implications here. He was Lucas's interrogator for four years, and by that I mean torturer. Dasharvin has come into the UK under the wire and wants to meet Lucas. I am highly sceptical about this development, and I'm wondering if Dasharvin is simply trying to manipulate Lucas, rather than having any real information of any worth. But at the moment, I have no choice. He has possible information about a forthcoming terror attack. We have to take the chance on trusting Dasharvin, rather than allowing the chance of a bomb going up in central London.

Plus as a side note, Ruth's birthday is coming up. I have no idea what to get her, but the idea of letting it pass without comment is unbearable.

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**11th April 2009**

Ruth is convinced there's a link between the Sudanese terror attack, (which is now looking genuine, rather than a figment of Dasharvin's vivid imagination) and a computer geek called Nick Manning. Personally I can't see the connection so I told her to let it drop and work with what we have. She won't. I know she won't, and so does she, but I have to maintain a professional relationship with her, at least to outward appearances, and I would have told any of my officers to let it go. She did look at me with disappointment before leaving my office, but I hope she realises I still trust her judgement. Ruth is the only person I've confided in about the rumoured change to world order that's coming. She's looking into it quietly for me, and discovered there was a covert meeting in Basel, Switzerland a few months ago. God knows what happened there, I hate to think.

I'm worried about Lucas. He's going back into his past and I can tell its shaking him more than he's letting on to me. I know I would not react well if I was confronted with one of my torturers from the early days of my career. But my terror was measured in days and weeks, Lucas's in years. I can't even imagine what this is doing to him. I hope this ends well for all involved.

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**12th April 2009**

Ruth came to me again about Nick Manning, who is apparently an African terrorism expert, one of the reasons Malcolm kept him on as an asset for so long. She put together a convincing case about the fact that Manning knows what's going on. I told her to prove it in a slightly lower voice than normal (yes, I admit it) and I know for a fact I didn't imagine the small smile on her face as I walked away. Mentally I gave her two hours to come up with the proof. She only needed one before she found the target and handed it over to me, a smile on her face. A smile its been too long since I've seen, and seen all too rarely.

The Sudanese terror attack was stopped. Barely, with seconds to spare, but at least we stopped it. The bomb would have killed thousands, Dasharvin found his conscience and gave the code to Ros who disarmed it. A very close call today. I got home at eleven at night, but as much as I wanted to, I did not go straight to sleep. I found a website I'd been looking at the night before and ordered a rather large book of ancient Greek poetry. Originals, not the translations. I hope Ruth will appreciate the sentiment.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks to threesummerdays, Nimax1 and pook who reviewed the last chapter. It really means a lot to me. Here's 8-5. I'm trying to include small reasons along the way that might have made Harry think proposing in 9-1 was a good idea. I still can't believe he did that...**

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**April 29th 2009**

I arrived at the grid very early today. Much earlier than I needed to, considering my first meeting wasn't until ten. I had the book with me and I walked to Ruth's now vacant desk, and wondered where I should put it. I tried opening her drawer, but it was locked. But then again, I have keys to a lot of things I shouldn't, so why should that stop me? Resisting massive temptation to look through her files and seeing if she kept anything more personal there, I placed the book on top and closed the drawer. By the time I went into my office, the early birds were arriving.

It did take a while for her to find it. Unfortunately she hadn't needed any of those files until much later in the day. Which meant, as much as I hated to admit it, I spent a lot of the day looking through the blinds, waiting for her to find it. At about two in the afternoon she opened it and froze and I knew she'd found it. Taking the book out of the drawer, she looked at the cover carefully and opened it, scanning the contents. She spent several minutes flicking through it before looking across the grid, clearly looking for the sender and my heart sank. Did she not realise it had come from me? Then her eyes stopped on the small gap in the blinds of my office I was holding apart. She smiled at me, even though she couldn't see me and mouthed the words thank you. For the rest of the day she was smiling and whenever her glance came my way her eyes were sparkling. I'm pleased I chose well.

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**4th May 2009**

Samuel Walker, my counterpart in the CIA, for want of a better description has been killed. Its been made to look like he'd jumped off of a CIA building balcony, but I'm highly doubtful. For one thing he called me to tell me he was looking into the flight details for that meeting in Switzerland. He told me he'd share the information with me later today. He died an hour later. I don't believe in coincidences. Or not coincidences like that anyway, its far too convenient. I've got Ruth looking into the details he was after but its proving tricky as we don't have American information, and I don't want her to be as overt as Walker was. After all it got him killed. I don't fear that for Ruth, not yet because I know she's being careful, but I also know that this is dangerous.

My senses are telling me that Sarah Caulfield is involved in this mess, but I have no idea how or how deep her involvement is. I haven't confided these fears to anyone. Lucas is a liability where she is concerned, and I don't want to burden Ruth with any more information at the moment. Especially when its only my gut and I don't have any proof at all. But she does have the worst American accent I think I've ever heard. A result of spending nearly a decade being shipped all over Europe I think. I do not trust her one little bit.

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**5th May 2009**

Another CIA agent has been found dead. Matthew Braydon. We have no idea if they are linked, but they are both murder, that's for sure. I've told Ros and Lucas about the Basel meeting and the rogue agents that are trying to rearrange the world order. I felt it was time to confide in someone other than Ruth, if murders are happening on British soil because of this, the rest of the section needs to know, not just the woman I put my complete faith and trust in.

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**6th May 2009**

This time a British officer has been found murdered. This is getting rapidly out of hand and at the moment I am barely having the chance to get home and sleep. Pressure is on five from all sides, CIA and Whitehall. Alex Winchcomb has been stabbed. His body was found with an entire CV of his MI5 and army career, information which it would have been nearly impossible to get hold of, unless it was one of our officers as the culprit. I don't know who I can trust outside of my very closest officers any more.

Ros came to me with a story Jack Coleville, her recruiter wrote about me. Its completely fictitious. I asked her point blank if she believed I murdered an innocent civilian under interrogation and then covered it up. I was rather relieved when she replied no very quickly. I'm glad I still have her on my side. She is a brilliant officer and colleague who I would hate to be opposed with.

Today was the first day I felt confident that Ruth actually wanted to be here, rather than feeling she had no option but to come back. She handed over the information that had been left with Winchcomb's body in the meeting room. It was covered with blood and she didn't even flinch when she put it on the table. I'm relieved that she wants to be here. Maybe with regards to us personally rather than professionally, all is not lost.

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**10th May 2009**

I haven't had the chance to write in my diary for a few days. Jack Coleville was responsible. I feel both disappointment and sadness. He killed so many people for love. For revenge that Mina Barinova, the woman he loved had been decided as no longer worthy or our protection. She'd been put in the shadow protection program in the Balkans. Years later, it was decided that new information could be gleaned from her brother instead, she was no longer important. His price was the location of his sister Mina, and then he killed her. Jack was getting revenge, killing the officers who'd been responsible for her murder.

But to be honest I can't say that I don't relate to his situation. Separation is painful but bearable. Its when the one you love is in danger that you lose your grip on reality. Your sense of reason. If anyone hurt Ruth… Actually, better not think on that one on second thoughts. It'd drive me crazy.

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**11th May 2009**

Ruth has been digging. I swear nothing in the country is safe from that woman. Forget that, I'd say no information globally is safe from her. One of these days I might set her a challenge and see how deep she can get into the Russian or Chinese networks. I'm just incredibly glad she's on our side. For a multitude of reasons of course.

She discovered from (unofficial and supposedly impossible to retrieve) phone logging records that Sarah Caulfield was no more than 5 meters away from Walker when he fell. She killed him, even Lucas agrees after talking to her. But who was she taking her orders off of? That is the question.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for the fab reviews everyone. This one is a short filler chapter to make time move along a bit, so it follows no episode structure. It's hard making eight episodes last a year!**

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**27th May 2009**

Ruth has discovered that these rogue agents are going under the cover name Nightingale. I've never heard of it, and neither has she. After running it through the systems everything's come up blank too. If Ruth can't find it, there's nothing there to find. At least until something starts happening.

On other news Sarah Caulfield has been taken back to Washington for a brief hiatus. I don't miss her but I have a feeling the opposite is true for Lucas. He's worrying me, and I wonder if he's hiding more than I'd be truly comfortable with, if I knew the whole truth.

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**1st July 2009**

Catherine called me today. She's engaged. I'm sure I'll hate Mark the second I meet him, but I congratulated her anyway. It will take all of my self control not to run Mark Tyler through the MI5 system, but I know Catherine would never forgive me. I hope she'll be very happy, and I'm relieved that our relationship is now firm enough that she can tell me these things. I will give her away at her wedding, and I'm already looking forward to walking my daughter down the aisle next Spring.

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**25th July 2009**

Ruth has excelled herself. A Russian turncoat is sleeping with the Chinese ambassador of foreign policy. An extremely useful piece of information to know, because neither of their spouses would be too happy if we let the information slip. Its nice to have them where we want them for a brief period of time. I didn't know Ruth spoke Chinese. I asked her about it. She closed my office door and confided in me that she spent some time looking at the departures board in Charles de Gaulle airport straight after Cotterdam. She had no idea where to go, and had always wanted to travel to Beijing. So being impulsive she'd caught a plane with the fake passport Zaf had given her and stayed there for a couple of months. Enough to pick up the basics of the language.

I hate that there's a huge chunk of her life that I don't know about. But on the other side its good to know she can be impulsive when she wants to be. Normally so organised and methodical, but it clearly happens. Over the past few weeks I've noticed her smiling at me occasionally. Holding a glance too long. I want to mention it but I'm afraid to. If I talk to her about it, she might stop it, and that's the last thing I want.

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**15th August 2009**

We can't put it off any longer. We've started interviewing candidates for Jo's job. I hate the thought that its her replacement, but we've gone more than four months and we need another agent. Knowing that the psychometric testing and evaluation will take months in itself, it will probably be nearer a year since Jo's death by the time the next candidate comes into the grid. We could get a temporary replacement, but I don't want that. I prefer to know and trust my colleagues before handing them sensitive information.

In the meeting room I asked for a volunteer to go down to the ground floor and oversee the candidates. I was very surprised that Ruth offered to go. Once everyone save her had left the meeting room I asked why. She'd replied with a change of air. Plus, until a terror attack came forward she'd caught up with all of her work to date. I couldn't argue against her logic and allowed her to go down to the interviews. I missed her smile today.

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**1st September 2009.**

Sarah Caulfield is back from Washington, which means we have to put up with her again. I rather liked the brief spell we were having American free, but I should have known it couldn't last.

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**Back to business as usual from the next chapter. Also I'm away between Thursday and Saturday so can't post any new chapters then.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Extra chapter today! 8-6. The start is a bit plot heavy but more Ruth towards the end. Enjoy.**

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**18th September 2009**

We've pulled in one of our assets at Dewits bank, Ryan Baisley. He has been recording the names of people who have been avoiding their tax from the most corrupt bank in history, a very dangerous thing for him to be doing, but we're paying him well for it. However, we pulled him in for the information two months earlier than the agreement and he is remaining firmly tight lipped until we pay him more. Five million which is ridiculous. Ros was coming back to the grid to discuss it with me before confirming anything which is when all hell broke loose at the safe house. Men with machine guns stormed the place, and I'm actually quite impressed that Baisley managed to escape, as he was the only one left alive, and clearly he was the intended target. He's now on the run.

I have a meeting with the Home Secretary tomorrow morning to discuss this mess.

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**19th September 2009**

Interest on national debt is due at noon tomorrow, which is a problem considering that the country is essentially bankrupt. I don't understand the technicalities of it (one reason I chose not to become a politician), but Britain has no money until 4:25 Saturday morning which means we are unable to pay the debt we owe. It will completely destroy the economy, and very likely the country. If we get Baisley back, and manage to get his information we can make seizures at Dewits bank to make up the shortfall. Everyone knows it has illegal dealings going on there, we just can't prove it. So it is necessary to get him back in our control as soon as possible. That's our objective for the day, something simple and easy, finding one man in a city of seven and a half million.

I'm worried about Ros. We're on Baisley's tail and she's getting attached to this. I think this is the aftermath of Jo's death is getting to her. It affected all of us, but after all she was the one who had to shoot her. She's getting too personally involved in this when I need her on top form. I can't pull her from the case though, I don't have enough officers. So I suppose I'll have to let it go for the time being but I am going to keep an eye on her.

I asked the Home Secretary if I could make at attempt on the Dewits network later in the afternoon, but unfortunately it will have to be tomorrow. If we send someone in to talk business at eight in the evening it might be slightly obvious that we are trying to infiltrate them. So it'll have to be first thing tomorrow, which means we are going to be cutting the deadline extremely fine indeed.

In the meeting the Home Secretary turned on the news and photographs have been published of Blake making deals with the mafia. He's adamant that it isn't him. Apparently these have been verified as genuine, but I'm highly sceptical. So I've given them to Ruth to have her look into them. She'll tell me the truth even if I don't like it.

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**20th September 2009**

We avoided national catastrophe. Barely, but we managed it and we made the payments. Ros got Baisley and managed to get him talking in time for us to make seizures at Dewits. Something I found very satisfying because they've had it coming for a long time. However, we did get a lot of information from the job Lucas did breaking into the banks network.

Ruth found a massive account, six billion dollars which seems to be connected to the nightingale group which we still have no idea what they are up to. She also confided in me that she's worried about Ros too. That she hasn't accepted Jo's death. I agree with her, but at present I don't know what to do about it. I did smile slightly to myself when I saw that our thoughts were running along such a similar track.

There's no news on the photos of Blake either. Ruth can't find any inconsistencies so she's inclined to think they are genuine. I trust her judgement, but I have also known Blake for four years. I can't imagine him making deals with the mafia. Which is when she chose to come up with another piece of information I could have really have managed without today. She's found a Dewits account belonging to the Home Secretary. Four million pounds. Ruth told me that he has no income that could account for this. Before I could even speak my doubts she added that she was one hundred percent sure, so I didn't question her. Anyone else I would have, but not her. If she is sure, then that is good enough for me.

I think Blake is being set up. Ruth is not giving an opinion on this and I know exactly why. She wants to do some more investigating before voicing her opinion but she isn't as convinced as I am. Her trust of politicians is very, very low and I don't blame her. No one lifted a finger to help her when she had to leave nearly four years ago, and they could have done. But, as much as I hate to say it, she wasn't deemed important enough. To them. Because to me she is as important as anyone has ever been.

* * *

**23rd September 2009**

The Nightingale account in Dewits bank is a CIA account. Was. Sarah Caulfield is the signatory on the account, meaning she is part of the higher reaches of this particular conspiracy. I have no idea what they are up to, but forcing the Home Secretary from office was almost certainly them. Lucas confronted Sarah and she vanished. We couldn't get a team over there in time, she could be anywhere in the world right now. Lucas seems slightly depressed but I'm sure he's not honestly surprised at her true colours.

Tonight Ruth asked me out for a drink. I wasn't facing her when she spoke, my pen hovering above my files. I froze, sure I hadn't heard her correctly. After a second I realised she was still waiting for my answer and I hadn't imagined it. I told her yes. Then I started to mentally curse Tariq for his timing. We were leaving my office, both slightly smiling when he called me over. All the Nightingale money, all six billion of it has been moved to Pakistan, for what purpose I dread to think. Anyway, we spent the next couple of hours digging into it this evening, but the moment between Ruth and I had been broken. She went home alone, with only a token glance at my office and a sad smile. I had a large whisky. Knowing her it would have taken a long time to work up the courage to say anything to me, so it would probably be a long time before she mentioned it again. I poured another whisky.


	8. Chapter 8

**Right, last chapter before I go away for a few days. Thanks for the great reviews and enjoy!**

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**10th October 2009**

I received a wedding invitation today. To the wedding ceremony of Miss Catherine Pearce and Mr Mark Tyler on the 2nd February next year. I was expecting it, what I wasn't expecting was the plus one added to the invitation. I know perfectly well whom I'd like to take with me but asking her will be something else completely.

I have mentioned Ruth to my daughter before, but only in passing. I never dwelt long on the topic because during her exile it was painful to me. I wonder if this is a coincidence or not. But I would like to ask Ruth to accompany me in February. I just have no idea what she would say.

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**1st November 2009**

I'm still trying to work up my courage to ask Ruth. But I have a bit of time, so I'm not desperate to find an opening in conversation yet. I was surprised this morning to find my office unlocked. I never leave it unlocked, there is far too much sensitive information in there. But then, with my hand on the door I felt Ruth's eyes on my back. I turned and caught her watching me. She blushed before busying herself with her computer. No longer worried about my security, I went in and found a not totally unexpected birthday gift on my desk. A book on English cricket, the highlights of the matches I'd always been working through when they were being played. Flicking through it, I saw that it was very detailed indeed, not just one of those coffee table books that are never read. I knew she was watching me, waiting for my reaction to my birthday present so I took a moment to compose myself. I looked up through the glass of my office and found her biting her lip adorably. I mouthed "thank you" at her, a mirror of what she had told me months before. She smiled and got back to her work. I might be a year older today, but when she looks at me like that, I don't feel it.

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** 7th November 2009**

A Pakistani intelligence officer has been stabbed in south London, which makes it very much our business, and in their view, our fault. Talking to the head of Pakistani intelligence it seems that Hindu nationalists are planning an attack on Muslims in this country. I'm slightly annoyed that they thought we should not be aware of this. They already have an asset in this group of Hindu's who we are going to make full use of.

I met with Andrew Lawrence today, very warily. I do not trust anyone in this office at the moment, as Blake was forced out. But he smiled when I said that Nicholas was a good man. So he's either a good actor, which is entirely possible or he's simply filling an undesirable position.

Sarah Caulfield left a memory stick in her flat. Tariq's working on cracking it but so far nothing. Its incredibly complicated and I'm wondering if Malcolm would be able to hack in any faster. I suppose its inevitable when things aren't going my way and I worked with Malcolm for nearly twenty years. I think this Hindu Muslim operation will be a long one. Its going to take a long time to get the information out.

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**8th November 2009**

Ruth isn't happy. With the situation I think rather than myself, although I'm sure I'm not helping. She wants to pull Ashok out of the group of Hindus. There's a chance that the Pakistani handler gave Ashok up before he died. If he did, Ashok will not live until tomorrow. Ruth wants to pull him out. Its very high risk leaving him in there, but we have no choice. This attack isn't just a threat, its real, and it will happen unless we stop it. I could see on her face that something was wrong as I approached her desk. She confided in me that she'd forgotten what it was like here. Using people as chess pieces, was her rather apt phrase. She seemed very conflicted because rationally she knows it's the right choice, but emotionally its not. There's a real risk he'll die.

Later Ruth and Tariq cracked the codes on Sarah's memory stick. The whole thing deleted itself but before it did she found a Godse reference, opened the file and Victor Chaterjee's name, the brains behind the attack came up. Nightingale are recruiting terrorists for their own ends and God knows what they are. She also found out that there were two attacks, two cells. Its even more important now that we don't pull everyone in the Hindu cell that Ashok's infiltrated. And Ruth is less than happy. To be honest, neither am I.

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**9th November 2009**

This evening we were talking about how we were going to track the Hindus when they try to blow up Burton street mosque tomorrow. Ros, Lucas and Ruth were in my office discussing strategies. When we'd finished the other two left and Ruth looked at me. Now, I often think that we share meaningful looks, and half the time I'm not sure whether I'm imagining it or not. Just trying to see what I hope is there between us. This evening I know for a fact I did not imagine it. Her blue eyes stared into mine, a hint of a smile at her lips. I raised an eyebrow at her which seemed to draw her back to her senses and she left my office. My heart was beating rather fast, I hate to admit. I'm old, jaded and I've seen the worst of humanity on an awful lot of occasions, and yet with just a look she can do that to me? I think that says a lot about my feelings towards her, more than words could.

About half an hour later she returned, talking about pulling the cell in. I explained to her what she already knew, that we couldn't do that because thousands would die. She admitted it was the right call, covering my hand with hers very, very briefly. She blushed and then left, going home for the night, giving me a lot to think about. Very little of which was related to the terror incident we're currently facing.

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**10th November 2009**

It was too close today. No one died which is all the good that could be said. I lied to the Home Secretary, telling him we believed Victor was behind the whole attack. He wasn't, it was Nightingale. Why they are trying to promote this religious hatred I have no idea. Simultaneous attacks happened in the US and the Netherlands too. They are slowly but surely pushing the Pakistanis and the Indians into conflict. Small at first, like this but its growing. I fear it won't be long before it all blows up in our faces.


	9. Chapter 9

**Here's the next bit. Sorry for the delay, and the slight tweaking of the dates I've used. Set for 8-8 episode. Enjoy.**

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**18th December 2009**

I thought Nightingale might have been on their Christmas break as I was rather enjoying a world in which I wasn't dealing with them. Sadly it looks like I'm wrong. Their man is now running the Pakistani army after a very sudden and unexpected death of his predecessor. I think his predecessor was murdered but I'll never be able to prove it. And anyway, it should be the Pakistani's business not ours. But I can't help but worry.

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**19th December 2009**

An Indian submarine has been picked up by the Pakistani navy. I had a meeting of the MOD today to discuss these latest developments in the region. When I left the building I was slightly surprised but pleased to see Ruth waiting for me. I could have asked why she'd bothered. Started on the personal side or whatever is still there between us. But I didn't. Instead, I told her what was going on with this latest crisis, and that the Indians have issued a deadline of a week for the sub to be returned to them, otherwise they will get very angry indeed. She replied with a typical Ruth like understatement. Deadlines are bad. Yes indeed.

There are going to be negotiation talks starting tomorrow with both parties. They are going to be taking place in London so its our job to provide the security. Its going to be a nightmare, but we have no choice. We do not want India and Pakistan in nuclear war, because it will affect the rest of the world including us.

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**20th December 2009**

Hans Linderman, a multi millionaire who we have discovered was at the meeting in Basel. With his money and connections, he's almost certainly the backer behind this whole Nightingale mess. After the meeting he went back to his villa in Tuscany, having one guest there the entire week. Andrew Lawrence. I am almost convinced he is with the Nightingale conspiracy. Or I was, until Ruth came to me, wanting to talk about the assumptions I was making in regards to him. She wanted us to remain open to the possibility that he was simply in the wrong place, rather than consider him a Nightingale conspirator. Or at least until we have proof. While she was explaining this I smiled at her, and I will admit that I loved that she was the one who had come to me with her doubts about the current operation. I didn't speak, waiting for her to come to the end. When she did the tension between us was palpable. We both felt it, but before anything could be said or done, she made up some excuse about the summit hotel and left my office.

Later Ruth met a Chinese asset to do with their position on the Pakistani Indian crisis. I was listening in from my office while everyone else was out in the field. The Chinese asset was shot before he told Ruth anything of use. For a moment, a horrible moment I thought she'd been hurt. Lucas asked if she was alright, and when I heard her reply, I can't describe the relief I felt. I hate it when she goes into the field.

* * *

**21st December 2009**

We managed to catch Sarah Caulfield. Lucas talked to her but she didn't say much of anything beyond generalities. He left her to talk to Ros, when he returned she'd been shot dead. I can't say I'll miss her but I'm worried for Lucas. Despite the fact she was a traitor I know that he cared for her, and had it come down to it, he would never have been able to kill her. I went to the rooftop for some air and to clear my head. Ruth followed me.

She talked about the Pakistani crisis but to be honest I wasn't paying much attention. I changed the subject. I wanted to talk about something other than work so I spoke with the first thing I thought of. I asked if she still sung for the choir. Like she used to before everything happened years before. She smiled and said yes. I loved the look on her face when she smiles. It doesn't happen nearly often enough. It was cold on the rooftop and soon we had to leave. But she did grip my arm once before we returned to the grid and the usual chaos.

Ros and Lucas went down to the hotel and found a bomb. They were trying to evacuate the hotel but Russell Price, a CIA Nightingale conspirator took both the Home Secretary and the Pakistani president, injected them with a paralytic and hid them within the radius of the bomb blast. I got frustrated with the lack of information coming from the hotel so I decided I was going down there. The look on Ruth's face when I told her to get me a car to head down to the scene was one I'll never forget. Total fear. I have to do something in regards to her because we can't keep living like this. But today I was dealing with something much worse and I couldn't focus on that. One day soon, but not today.

Lucas got the Pakistani president out of the building, but it was too late for the Home Secretary. Ros wouldn't leave him alone and she was in the building when the bomb went off. I lost another officer and a friend today. It took an hour for them to find the bodies after the hotel had been stabilised. It took even longer to identify them, because apparently there's not much left. A rather gruesome thought to have, but it's the truth. With the result being I'm writing this diary entry after my phone call confirming that Ros Myers is dead.

I called Ruth to inform her too. We already knew, but there's something about having it confirmed one hundred percent. She accepted the news with a quiet and dignified grace, but then I should never expect anything less of her in the first place. She told me she'd see me tomorrow but I'm under the impression that this year its going to be a very sad and lonely Christmas.

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**The next entry will start at season 9. Let me know what you thought! More soon.**


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm hurrying to get this up before work, so apologies for any mistakes. Thanks to pook and threesummerdays who reviewed the last chapter. Moving on to series 9 now...**

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**January 3rd 2010**

I am a world class idiot. I'm sure my ex-wife has been telling everyone that for about twenty years, but not until today did I really believe it. It was Ros's funeral today. A little late, but she had requested the church she wanted the service in, and it was a tiny little country one which wouldn't do a funeral over Christmas and New year. Today was the first day they would do it. We respected her wishes, and it was a nice day to get out of London in spite of the occasion. I drove down with Ruth, but we didn't speak much. I think neither of us knew quite what to say.

During the church service I felt Ros's loss keenly. She was a good member of the team, but more than that I considered her a friend. Its awful to see her life cut short like this. Ruth did a reading, one I did not recognise. Listening to her voice I realised a very slight echo of what it might feel like if, God forbid, this were her funeral. I'd go insane. Just the thought of losing her like this, to the job or anything else for that matter, I couldn't bear it. She returned to her seat next to me, a slight breeze blowing the scent of her hair towards me and in that moment, I made a decision. A decision which could well affect the entire future of our relationship. My only defence was that I thought it was a good idea at the time.

Once in the grounds, the sun was shining brightly, even though it was January. Ruth approached me saying she needed to talk, clearly she meant in private and I smiled at her, walking to the edge of the grounds, leaning up against the fence. She spoke about Ros, but I didn't want to talk about her. So I changed the subject rather drastically. I asked her to marry me. I could tell from the way she didn't look at me, looked anywhere but at me that she hadn't been expecting this. Whatever else, but not this. She stalled for time, saying this was the wrong moment. Foolishly, I didn't tell her several things that might have made a difference. I didn't tell her that I love her. I didn't tell her that I can't imagine my life without her. Instead all I told her was that I didn't want her to die alone. All three statements are true, but I should have added either one of the first two.

Unsurprisingly she said no. The surprise was in quite how much I found it to hurt. Even with my awful timing, I do think that she genuinely considered it for a few seconds. It's a fleeting hope I have to hold on to. I do pray that I won't be kicking myself for the rest of my life for having chosen the worst possible moment to propose. I hope one day she'll be able to see beyond that, but it will not be today. The disappointment was clear on my face, I know that. Especially when she brushed aside talk of work, telling me it could wait. I encouraged her to go on anyway.

She told me that Nicholas Blake had been in the inner circle in Nightingale. I couldn't believe it at the time but she was utterly convinced and gave me a file to read through. Her best guess about anything is usually better than most sureties in this business, so the fact that she's one hundred percent convinced about this politician tells me all that I need to know. I will read the file, but if she's telling me about a former friend of mine being a traitor, she must know it's the truth.

Without saying anything we met up with Lucas and Tariq at the local pub to have a drink to Ros's memory. Ruth wouldn't look me in the eye and she seemed barely there, so lost in thought was she. The others noticed but said nothing. I'm sure they were looking at me too and wondering what had changed between us. But of course no one mentioned it. We never talk about personal feelings on the grid anyway. And I'm sure this will be no exception.

* * *

**January 6th 2010**

Dimitri Levendis started work today. He's the new candidate we've pulled in and he's more than adequate for the job. He's got an easy way about him that slightly reminds me of Zaf. He's friendly and gets on well with the team already. He has one flaw, also a flaw of Zaf's I hated at the time. He's flirting with Ruth. And I can't say anything because the reason I hate it is personal.

I made a plan to deal with Blake today.

* * *

**7th January 2010**

I went up to the Highlands today. Carried with me was a bottle of poisoned whisky and it didn't take much scheming to get Blake to drink it when I arrived at his house. He realised once he took his second sip and asked how I found out he was a traitor. I said one word which seemed to sum up so much. Ruth. He called her brilliant plus an insult which I'm not going to repeat.

Driving back down to London I realised this was only the second time I'd committed murder. I've killed people, hundreds in this job, more if you add my army career to the total. But I only consider myself a murderer in one instance. Now two, if you add today's crime. Arkardy Katchimov, who was responsible for Adam Carter's death was the first one. I shot him at point blank range because we all wanted revenge for the death a good officer and a better friend.

Nicholas Blake gave the order to bomb the hotel in December, and in doing so killed Ros Myers. I lost two friends in this horrendous way, and I have reaped revenge twice over. Not the right thing to do, maybe, and most definitely illegal but I don't care. In my own twisted version of truth and justice, it was the right thing to do. I don't regret it.

Absently, as I drove back to London I wondered how much Ruth would be disappointed in me, had she known the truth. It's a thought I don't like to dwell on.

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**Thoughts?**


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